Identity Crisis

IDENTITY CRISES... I have a lot of those. Humans are constantly changing, inside and out. We continue to grow, change, and maybe even become a whole different person at some point in our life. I feel like I've been through this change more times than I can keep track of. Because when time goes by and you're caught up with responsibilities and priorities -- Do you often stop to reflect on who you are and how far you've come? There are times when I stop to think, "I miss who I was before." This is when the angel on my shoulder shouts "STOP! You've come a long way. You've grown so much. Do not downplay that."

I loved who I was my first years of adulthood, which is what I'm referring to here. I was so naive and thought that I was on top of the world. I saw the good in everyone and everything. I forgave and offered chances more often than I should have. I was nice to every single person I encountered regardless of how they treated me and saw positivity throughout all of it. I was the most understanding I'd ever been in my life. I was so proud of myself for all of these traits.

At the same time though, I struggled with these traits, because of how people treated me. I couldn't help but to give more to people than they gave me, even if they didn't deserve it. I just felt like it was the right thing to do and I wasn't confident enough to think that I deserved more than what I received. This also resulted in me being a doormat to people -- a pushover and so easily manipulated. People saw this about me, so they took advantage. My naive little self thought that they would do the same things for me. I was more than happy to help people out. I gave everyone the benefit of the doubt and it hurt me.

So.. if I'm putting it all this way, why do I miss who I was so much?

I'm not a pushover anymore and I'd like to think that I'm not naive anymore either. I'm not as understanding with people because I don't tolerate as much as I used to. My mindset has shifted in a way that protects me and my feelings.

I do miss how much I tried to understand people's behavior and give everyone a chance, but I was also not as sensitive as I am now. I used to be basically emotionless, ignoring my feelings and going on with life as if they didn't exist. It wasn't healthy, but it helped me get through the day. That's probably why I tolerated so much. Being a much more sensitive person now, it's a lot harder to put up with the same things that I used to.

Sometimes, I miss being emotionless. Having been heartbroken and betrayed time after time, it changed me. I just need to realize that every person goes through tough times and it's only human. I can't expect everything to be going good all the time, because there needs to be bad times in order to appreciate the good. It's sad when I compare myself to who I was before because I've grown so much, but to almost a whole new person, which is why I have this "identity crisis."

At the end of the day, everyone is their own person and has their own identity. It's okay that it constantly changes because people constantly change. The important thing to remember is if I'm on the path to being who I want to be and that in the end, I am me.